sudden clarity: in this moment, i absolutely trust that if i put love and growth first in my life, everything else will fall into place.

thinking: ok, but what does that mean in practice? what does that mean when i feel that pressure on my chest that i've got to study for this class, even if i'm miserable, even if i have nightmares in social theory because of all the force behind my choice to put that first?

what is that force?